Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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