and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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