I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
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He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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