he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have post one night stand depression
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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