I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
