this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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