If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
