I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
