So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
