how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
