Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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