a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
