my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
