i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
