Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
