we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
