3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
