I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
