Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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