my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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