I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
