You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
