I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
