I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
