Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
