I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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