Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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