Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
