he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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