I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
