he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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