Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
