At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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