there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
