My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
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My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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