Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
