i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
