theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
