I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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