Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
