I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
