I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
