I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
