Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
