she was so not down for the gang bang
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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