you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize