you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize