shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
