Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
