I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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