Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
