Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
