I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My pussy is not your playground.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
