how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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