I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
