There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
