Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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