Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
