the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
